To all of you mothers out there who have struggled with a defiant toddler, I am crying out for help. Eve is just not the same since Sophie was born and she's been defiantly doing naughty things. Now, you're going to tell me that she just wants more attention: believe me, we make sure that she gets plenty of POSITIVE attention, and yet she spitefully smacks Sophie when she's peacefully asleep or refuses to go to bed and melts down every five minutes, or so it seems. My mom has been staying with us and she has made remarks that maybe it's time to introduce the spanking (which I utterly refuse to do), but I do need an alternative. I mean, the corner is no use (she loves it there and lounges on the floor). I confess that in times of frustration we have resorted to giving her (gulp) cold showers (after trying to reason with her)...so if you have suggestions, puh-lease, drop in a word. Oh, and if you need to know, Eve is turning 3 in October.
PS Does that mean I am a bad mom?
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9 comments:
I've heard that a book called "The Strong Willed Child" (or something along those lines) is very good and has helped some of my friends with their toddlers. I'm not sure if it would help in your situation but maybe you could find it at the library. I hope you can find something that helps! I'm sure you are still a great mom. :-)
Oh, Anabelle...I sympathize with you. That is so, so tough. Rose is already starting to do naughty things, and her brother hasn't even arrived yet! I think she senses something's happening soon. I wish I had some tips for you--I'll let you know if I come up with anything!
All I can say is to keep with it - you are already doing all the things right that you should. Favorite toys or lovies can be taken away or something like that. But just grit your teeth because what nobody tells you is that the 3s are harder than the 2s because they already know better in most cases and just dont care.
I was going to suggest the cold shower but I guess you've already done that. I agree with KaraLynne. I hate to say it but 3 us way worse than 2 and I think she's getting a jump start. I've read "All Mom's Go to Heaven" by Dean Hughes and "What's a Mom to Do? ( I think). They both don't have too much advice on what to do but give a lot of advice with how to cope with this stage in life. Hang in there!
I know this is a hard time, but I suggest reading everything you can get your hands on.
I just read Kid Cooperation by Elizabeth Pantley, and it has some good techniques.
At this age, though, honestly I feel like distraction and redirection is still one of the best techniques. There are so many other ideas to use before spanking, though, and honestly once you start spanking it's really easy to spank for every little thing and then it's useless.
I make sure that whenever Leo is napping Guy gets one-on-one time with me. I also try to think of logical consequences--if he can't behave at the park we have to leave immediately.
With Guy, if he misbehaves or is acting like he can't calm down, I hold him on my lap, with my legs over his so he can't kick, and my arms over his folded arms, and we hold him until he can calm down and be happy.
Time outs never worked for us. But I have to say that 98% consistency is the best. They're always going to keep testing the limits to see if the rules are still the rules, and if you bend once then they'll test every time until they're convinced that the consequences won't change.
I had a friend who liked the book Difficult to Delightful (in 30 days, or something like that)
I'm sorry, this is really hard. Parenting is not easy.
One last idea--model positive behavior and give her an idea of something else to do. Instead of yelling, "STOP! NO! DON'T HIT!", take her hand and force her to be gentle, while telling her to be gentle. Sometimes kids need extra direction, and need to be told what we want them to do.
Good luck!
Anabelle, welcome to the club :-) This is typical toddler (2-3 year old behavior). My advice, which I was never really good at following but which makes tons of sense is: show Eve how to handle hard situations by keeping your calm but be firm and definitely discipline her but try and keep the love present.
There is nothing worse then watching parents who allow their children to walk all over them. We are given children so that we can teach them and so that is your charge. My grandfather always told my mother never to lay her hands on her children so that they wouldn't fear her but it really helps to do something when children misbehave. Rather than a cold shower which we have also done in the past (cringe) Jermaine introduced a spray bottle (one you can adjust into a jet stream) and it has been very effective. However, don't forget the old testament adage: "spare the rod, spoil the child." If you want to spoil your child then forget what I wrote!!! And keep praying. Just don't forget that consistent consequences for poor behavior will bless all of your lives down the road. I LOVE YOU!!!
SPANKING! muahahahaha
Hey Anabelle, I just happened to read your blog again, and thought this was an interesting situation (although I'm sure you don't find it 'interesting', but rather heart-wrenching and difficult). Clearly, I have no good experience or any sort of feed back. I think you've gotten some good ideas already. One thought though I just had as I was reading your dilemma, was to maybe also try to simply ignore her behavior. If she is seeking attention, sometimes the discipline may be just another way to enforce a behavior that was done to get mom/dad pay attention. Maybe ignoring her misbehavior where feasable may work. I don't know.
I've decided raising kids is a hard thing, and there is no true and tried measure that works across the board. I'm sure as you pray and ponder this issue you'll figure out what Eve specifically needs...Good luck.
I think my advice would be to remember that this really is a phase, and she will grow out of it. From my experience, the trick is not to pick up any bad parenting habits on the way (yelling, losing your temper, etc.). Just practice being calm (easier said than done, I know), being sure to have a consequence tied to misbehavior, but try not to let her get a rise out of you. Good luck!
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