Since I had Eve and Sophie, I have been terrible at keeping up with my journal. It's only when I am going through a really hard time and need to express my feelings or when I am thinking about a decision that needs to be made that I open my journal. When I moved to England, I promised to a few friends that I would blog often, so I have decided to combine those two activities and try to be as honest in my writing as possible. You see, one of my biggest fears in life is to offend people...which is why I did not pursue my passion for politics: I just could not argue about issues and I didn't want to compromise, so I folded. Some of you may have noticed that I apologize constantly...I could go as far as apologizing for breathing if I felt that the person next to me couldn't stand me. So in the past, I have tried to remain as PC as possible when writing in my blog. From now on, I would like to write things as they come, as I am experiencing them instead of showcasing the content of my apartment, or trying to give the impression that I live a perfect little life and have the perfect family.
I have been reading lately...yes, I know...shocking. I have not picked up a book for pleasure since 2008, I think. I read quite a lot for my thesis and needed a break. I used to love reading while growing up, but I realized that as good as my conversational English may be, I still struggle to enjoy reading in that language. I can lose myself in a French book, but there's no passion for me when reading in English, in any genre. One day, when we were at the Kenilworth Library to get some kids' books, I spotted a book on display entitled "Confessions of a bad mother" and could not resist it. As I get more into it, my confidence as a mom has tremendously increased...you see, I have good spells and bad spells of motherhood. I can be what I consider a great mom for a period of time, but then I become a bad mom and cycle every so often.
I have always been in awe of my talented friends who enrich their family's life with gourmet dinners, handmade home decorations, scrapbooking and party planning. Yes, you know who you are. I have made some poor imitations of their remarkable work and recipes and I am always extremely nervous when I have people over, I never feel adequate. The same is true about my parenting style: there are days I am actually surprised to be a mom and even want to bail out of it...I think it started before Eve turned 2 and began throwing tantrums. No matter what we do, she still melts down at least twice a day about silly little things, like the cup I gave her for dinner, or not being able to wear the same pink shirt every single day, or when we turn the dvd player off (even though I had warned her that it was her last show).
I think that the other thing that keeps me from being a great mom all the time is the fact that I am very SELF-ABSORBED. I think of myself way too much and it seems I am going through my teens over again where I think I am the center of the world, that my feelings and circumstances matter more than anyone else's. In theory, I know better, but in my thoughts and attitude I can be quite selfish. Wow...I cannot believe I actually wrote it down. Maybe this is going to be a turning point for me. Writing it down may actually help me change.
Well, it's past midnight already. I worked at the hotel until 10:30 PM...I will tell you more about it tomorrow. Good night everyone.
Election 2020, Part II: On Antisemitism
5 years ago
5 comments:
Haha, thanks for your comment. I really don't get THAT much done with two kids... trust me! :)
And I agree with you on this post--any problem I have with motherhood stems from my own selfishness. It's hard!!!
Hey, you sounded like me when you were talking about loving politics but apologizing for everything! I've had so many times when people told me to stop apologizing, so then I apologized for apologizing!! It's a vicious circle. ;0)
I think my sister read that book and loved it, I'll have to pick it up. And I have to say that while we all have our selfish moments, I can't picture you being nearly as selfish as you claim. And a kid having tantrums doesn't make you a bad mom, it means that you're setting limits and teaching your child what is and isn't appropriate and you're sticking to it. Samuel has started throwing tantrums recently, and it is SO frustrating!!! I always call up my mom or my sister so I can have a reminder that caving in is not an option, and that he's going through a phase (a very long phase...), and I'm not that bad of a mom. ;0)
Good luck with everything!
Here Here! Can I just copy and paste what you wrote into my blog? That's exactly how I feel. Only you said it better. :)
Ana-la-belle,
I'm so happy to have found your blog! It's amazing how hard we are on ourselves until we realize that other people struggle with feeling inadequate too. What's amazing is that I look at you and think "she is so perfect and must always do everything right, etc." But, it seems like maybe you struggle too. I'm still not willing to concede that you're imperfect though, haha. Mothers really do make so many sacrifices; you are amazing! Don't get too down on yourself. It is SOO easy to forget all the good you do and only consider the relatively small wrong things we do in life. You're so inspiring! The fact that you even think about scrapbooking impresses me. I'll be lucky to get pictures of my kids, haha.
ANABELLE!! I LOVE your blog and I LOVE this post!! You are definitely NOT alone in your feelings!! I miss you my friend!! I'm glad you're back in UT and hope that someday soon we can re-unite! I have many fond memories with you!
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